Pain and Loneliness
by xiiBrokeniix
Summary: The dragon never took Erebor, Kili is 15 and Fili is 17, they both go to school, Kili is bullied for not looking like a 'real dwarf', his face is beautiful but his beard wont grow, that was why he despised himself. He was different. He strives for perfection and when he doesn't get it he punishes himself, his self-esteem is at an all-time low. Can somebody help? WARNINGS: SELF HARM


**Hey, guys, this is my first hobbit fan fiction, it'll be a sad one and if your not up for that then please turn back now.**

 **This is a bit of a remake of it and some things will be different.**

 **I do not support self-harm and if you are self-harming I encourage you to get help because life gets better :)**

 **SUMMARY:** The dragon never took Erebor, Kili is 15 and Fili is 17, they both go to school, Kili is bullied for not looking like a 'real dwarf', his face is beautiful but his beard wont grow, that was why he despised himself. He was different. He strives for perfection and when he doesn't get it he punishes himself, his self-esteem is at an all-time low. Can somebody help?

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own any characters or places in this fanfiction, the plot, however, is my own idea.

 **Trigger Warnings:** Self-harm, Depression, Cursing, Suicide attempts or talks of Suicide.

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Everyone thinks Kili is the dumb brother, but he's not as dumb as people think; he cuts out of sight, thin red, white, pink lines riddle his body but yet no one has noticed. Like a fire without flames. They're deep enough to hurt but light enough to heal quickly and barely leave a scar. They show his imperfections, carved with his knife.

With aim as terrible as his, he might as well be wood. It's bad enough that his weapon of choice was a bow, it is seen among the dwarfs as a cowards weapon, a weapon for the elves, for someone who is too afraid to fight someone head on.

But that wasn't exactly the case for Kili, there was something inside him that drew him to that weapon. It gave him happiness, which was rare in a world full of so much hate, it wasn't his fault he couldn't keep up with society's standards.

Yesterday, after his classmates mocked him for not having a strong thick body like the other dwarves, they beat him up and once he got home he marked his body ten more times. The scars on his body were not easy to count but he knew he carried more than what was considered normal.

Not like any of this was normal.

He was strange.

He was weak.

He wasn't alone long enough to add any more cuts than that, but he would have liked to. Fili always kept a watchful eye on him, even though he didn't know what Kili did to himself it wasn't unusual for Kili to worry Fili with his behavior.

Kili couldn't explain why he did this to himself, but he knew he couldn't survive without it.

He needed it to make him feel better, to make him feel _real._

Somehow that pained him more than usual. The fact that he relied on a silver piece of metal to help him remain sane.

 **~New Scene~**

Kili rolled over in his bed in pain, there was no comfortable way to lay down, he leaned on his left arm because his right was still aching from the previous day's affairs. He stared in annoyance at his clock, it was sharply defined by a convenient ray of silver moonlight sliding in through a crack in his curtain.

Almost 5 o clock.

That meant he'd been lying here without sleeping for just shy of six hours.

He pulled himself up and sat on his bed pulling down his sleeves.

By now there wasn't much evidence left on his wrist, there were scratches and his skin was red. But still, nothing too noticeable remained. Other days/nights had left deeper marks; the imprint of a word here or there, deep lines and just healing scars.

Draco ran his finger across his wrists feeling the bumps of scars, lost in his thoughts.

He had been thinking about the same thing for hours on end. No wonder why he hadn't gotten any sleep. He looked at his wrists again the old scarring from worse nights wouldn't heal for quite some time.

The pain was already starting to disappear and this frightened him. Without the physical pain, there was nothing left to distract his mind from attacking him with painful words, that hurt more than any wound.

His door was locked and the house was silent, he would not be discovered but yet he listened intently for any sound of an awake family member but there was no noise, only silence and the sound of his clock ticking over as each second past.

He stared out his window and he watched the river, it was so calm, so peaceful, unlike his emotions that were boiling inside him threatening to break the mental dam he built for himself any second. Kili's mind took control of him, " _You're so worthless Kili, No one wants you to be alive, You don't even look like a real dwarf, you look like a girl! You filthy faggot!"_ Kili snapped out of his thoughts realizing his breath had quickened and he was shaking, he pushed the thoughts out of his head and pulled his silver friend out of his pocket.

He was sick of life, sick of the world, and the mindless sheep that inhabited it.

Whispering "My Silver Savoir" he kissed the sharp object and then pulled down his wrist staring at them intently, in a drunken fit of rage he slashed at his arms.

He didn't care if he would be able to hide it from prying eyes, he didn't care anymore.

He just needed to gain control.

Control.

That was what he craved.

If anyone ever saw, if anyone ever suspected what he was doing he was dead. He couldn't be so selfish as to disgrace the line of Durin.

But then again, death didn't seem like such a bad thing either, it would be a sweet release from this shit hole.

But he doubted they would kill him, his uncle, Thorin, probably wouldn't care or he would call it a phase that his nephew would grow out of.

Maybe he was right, maybe it was a phase, but he doubted it. Cutting gave him a high like nothing else, it made him feel on top of the world. It was a way he could escape from the world, even if only for a few seconds.

But sometimes he did it out of utter self-hatred.

Kili put his razor back into his pocket and lay on his bed, finally managing to get to sleep.

 **~New Scene~**

Kili was asleep for around 10 minutes before he awoke himself out of a nightmare.

Sighing to himself Kili got dressed into his clothes that loosely hung off his frail body.

He couldn't find a size that fit him anywhere, he wasn't muscular or thick like the other Dwarf men and that made him a perfect subject for bullying. That was why he dreaded school, but he knew he had to go, he was far behind in his grades. He used to be average in brain power but he slowly began to care less and less about his scores and that made them lower and lower through time. Now, he was the dumbest in his class and he couldn't afford to miss one day at school.

Kili walked to the toilet, a startled gasp escaped his mouth as he caught sight of his own reflection in the mirror. He had to admit that he looked dreadful. His eyes were puffy and red-rimmed from where he'd been crying and black circles were around them from his lack of sleep. His hair was a horrible mess; not as untamed as his brothers, though, but at least his brother was popular and looked like a real dwarf...

Then there was his cut lip, he had received it walking home yesterday from his usual bullies. It wasn't too bad of an injury but it didn't help his character look any better.

He turned on the cold tap splashing water over his face cleaning his lip up a bit. Kili stared at the water spinning down the drain, it was clear but tinted with pink from where his blood had dripped. He looked up and stared at his reflection again, the water was clinging from his eyelashes, still unsatisfied with his appearance and he reached for his comb. When his hair was satisfyingly neat he put the comb away.

He still looked horrible but there was not much else he could do.

Collecting his bag he sighed and walked out the door bracing himself for the taunting he would encounter soon as he entered the gates of hell, or as some may call it ' _School'_

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 **END OF CHAPTER**

 **I may not add any more chapters to this unless I get a request so please if you would like me to add more to this then leave a review :)**


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